Hi all,
I’m sure you have seen the latest video that came out a few days ago (https://youtu.be/x2dfGfLQcQI) but I want to post a written update since so many of you are writing to me wondering if we made it across, and if Michael and I survived as friends or at all…if you haven’t watched the video yet, be sure to before you read this or it won’t make sense.
We are both safe in Grenada..the most southern Caribbean Island.
It took us over 4 months:
6 days sailing to Walvis Bay
38 days anchored in Walvis Bay
11 days sailing to St Helena
30 days on a mooring in St Helena
7 days sailing to Ascension
9 days in Ascension Island
23 days sailing to Grenada.
A great downwind sail…some of the best sailing of my circumnavigation! Michael loved being on the water, day after day after day!
But we actually split up when we got to Grenada. It was an emotional, and horrible time.p for us both.
When you lose your husband to covid, there are no choices to be made…what happens happens, and you have no control of it whatsoever. They just call you with news if you are lucky. There is absolutely nothing you can do to much affect the outcome besides be friendly to the nurses and doctors when they call, and thank them for doing their best..maybe bring some human element to the guy on the ventilator that they don’t get to really see as an alive vital person. But that’s it. You can’t be good or bad at losing your loved one to covid. It just is what it is.
When you lose your boyfriend a year or so later, it’s in some ways worse. It’s a product of ones own doing. One has some control over this. So it actually feels like a failure…Its not all my fault… I have my reasons….my excuses perhaps… and every relationship is the product of two persons. But the relationship ended not because I had no choice in the matter…but because I was mourning, because we aren’t compatible, because our expectations are too great, or our differences too vast, right? It’s not often one persons fault, or anyone’s fault..but there are choices and actions made. How much will she put up with…how much will he put up with? How many differences are OK? Can we love the differences in eachother, or are the differences ones that we just can’t accept about eachother? Is Rebecca mourning too much to not have any business being in a relationship? Is Michael too independent to accept a woman in his life? Are the quarters just too close on a boat to form a relationship..would land for longer have been better before we sailed away? These are all questions, decisions, choices, faults of one or both of us, uncompatibility issues…whatever… So that I lost Michael was not like losing Patrick. Losing Michael was a decision..I had control over it…as did he. A 50/50 decision…the hardest kind..one that I had control of…one that I decided on,but with great ambivalence…
I made some bad decisions…I made some thoughtless remarks and behaviors. I thought too much about myself…maybe because I was in survival mode…maybe just because I’m a selfish person through and through. Maybe I was taking back control where I had none last year, and perhaps even where I had very little control while Patrick was alive..he was a pretty strong personality and I had to let him control a lot.
Now I had fairly agreeable and equal partner in Michael. But everything I heard and felt at every corner of my soul was to “take care of Rebecca”. So I did. I took care of myself. I got myself across the ocean by hook or by crook. No matter what… I was strong…I took the bad relationship stuff, and made lemonade from it…saw some nice islands, enjoyed what I could, kept going, stayed strong, did what I had to do to keep things pressing onwards.
I thought about only myself, as selfish as that is, and felt it was of paramount importance that he was good for me in all ways, or this relationship should not continue past Grenada. Grenada was always the place Michael and I talked about reevaluating our relationship in. It’s as far as we ever promised to eachother. We both knew it would be a miracle to survive past Grenada. I had decided I would make no compromises…I would make no mistakes… I would find the right person to carry on with. I wouldn’t let myself fall in to a less than ideal relationship. This was my last chance in life to get in the right relationship, so I was determined I would NOT screw it up and get in to something that wasn’t perfect. Michael also felt the same and made no promises past Grenada.
So when we got close to Grenada…I made my intentions clear… it was time for Michael to depart. Believe me, he wanted to as well! Life was pretty miserable by then, although watches, and boat chores, and keeping the boat shipshape NEVER fell down. We both knew our lives depended on doing what was right by Brick House. Michael never ceased to take care of the boat not just for the short term but also for the long term health of Brick House. Not many men would do this knowing they were being put ashore upon arrival. But I didn’t see it that way as we were arriving. I just wanted to find better…more perfect…how could I have possibly made a good choice in such a difficult time..I could surely do better now that I was under less pressure and had a bigger pool of people to choose from.
Michael left the boat. I dated … a hundred first dates…nobody I wanted to see a second time really…though with time there may have been some second or third dates. It’s not to say all were bad, but none were quite right. Lots of conversations online..I joined sailing dating sites, and word got around quickly so I had lots of opportunities before me. I enjoyed the dating and the attention..but at the end of the day, it was all so shallow compared to what I shared with Michael. Not everyone has the respect and honesty that Michael displayed right through everything, til the end..past the end…
One particularly influential man I met online, when I was asking him the same old 20 first date questions on the first call…admitted that if I wanted someone to take care of my boat…he probably wasn’t the guy, though he’d pay his share to have a pro fix or maintain it… But if I wanted someone to take great care of my heart… he was likely the guy. He seemed like a great guy…but I told him the lack of maintenance/repair skills was kind of a dealbreaker..I really needed both…someone to care for me AND for my boat. Sort of like a women with a child, or a dog…
Then I thought about it and a few days later, I texted him back…well…maybe we SHOULD have that video call…that second online date. After all, my heart probably WAS more important than the boat.
Then I thought about it a while longer…what was I doing??? I already had that right in front of me. Michael took good care of the boat…AND especially good care of my heart. We wanted the same things. He was truly good to me in so many ways. Why would I give that up???
I mean…he made me coffee in bed every morning. He got me up on the dance floor with no alcohol needed, and he was a joy to dance with. We were often the very first ones dancing, dancing when there wasn’t even dancing music. He held me and laughed with me, and encouraged me to relax and have fun. He encouraged me to look good, a little sexy, for myself… He communicated with me…He was sad when I was sad, happy when i was happy.
He partied with me, and enjoyed social gatherings at the same level as me…he watched great deep movies with me, relaxed with me, hiked, explored and snorkelled with me. He would catch dinner for me, and then cooked it with so much love, making them all pretty on the plate. He is a true companion, living life for today, keeping me in the present. We sing together, and then just kiss for an hour. We talk about things for hours every morning, not rushing in to the day. He understands my bad moods better than I do, and he expects me to mourn for longer than I do. He lets me cry and talk about Patrick probably more than he should. He holds my hand when we walk. He waits for me when we hike uphill, and carries my bag to make it easier for me. We have picnics in hot springs and waterfalls and on lookouts over the ocean, and we linger in coffee shops together. He cooks healthy meals nearly every day for me to keep me healthy and happy…even in the worst of times. He encourages me to exercise so we can have fun for more years, not because he wants me to lose weight. He makes me feel beautiful, and smart. He really gets me. He lives life so much like I do. We are very compatible.
Michael had found an apartment and was living in a beautiful studio high on a hill overlooking St Georges Harbour, contemplating his next move. Maybe he was reluctant to give up on the relationship. Maybe he was just enjoying an island he sailed so far to get to.
He came to my rescue when one of my dating experiments went terribly wrong. When a hurricane was threatening Grenada, he came back to the boat and got it ready for the storm, ready to sail south with me if it came our way. He never stopped caring for me, or taking care of me, even when he was no longer on the boat. Even while I was dating, and generally misbehaving in really hurtful ways, he was standing by ready to help me. So selfless, so incredibly giving. How could I let that guy go away?
But then one day, he decided it was time to fly home. I panicked. I felt like I was about to ruin my life…lose my best friend, lose the one person in the world besides my family, that genuinely cared for me.
I thought and thought. Cried and cried. Slept a lot, went through a mild depression. Thought some more. Then I called Michael on the phone. He was depressed. He was thinking too.…we concluded that we couldn’t live without eachother. But who knows if we could really live with eachother.
We spent many days, 10 hours a day, talking about the past, the present and the future… about whether we should try again… about whether we should let the relationship end. We decided we owed it to ourselves and eachother, to try again.
So Michael moved back on the boat. Both of us with high hopes. In 5 days, we had a fight, and he moved back out again.
We were both completely heartbroken. But one or two weeks later, we were right back to where we started…can’t live with eachother, can’t live without eachother. But he had now signed a longer lease, perhaps as a safeguard. We were both so wary of being hurt again. Neither of us were sure we could survive another break up. Too much drama, too much of an emotional rollercoaster. We are both very volatile people..stubborn and possibly unwilling to compromise on what we want in a relationship. Maybe we needed to start anew…fresh, with someone else where there isn’t so much bad water under the bridge…
But we decided that this is it..we will give it one last try. We will get back together and make sure it works. So much invested in eachother. So much caring between us. So many things realized being apart. Such a great future we could have together. We decided to take it a little slower. He would live in his apartment til the end of the lease… I would live on the boat. We would visit eachother a lot. And see if we can be kind and loving to eachother (mostly me loving of him since he never stopped being loving to me)
One may think I compared Michael to Patrick a lot. I did. But I’m a realist. I have no illusions that Patrick was perfect. He was great in so many ways and there were many things that it had taken decades for me to find in a man. I didn’t want to lose those things that I had taken so long to find, but yet there were some essential things missing too. I struggled throughout our marriage with those shortcomings…but the rest was enough.
But since I had the opportunity, I actually was hoping to make up for those shortcomings in my next relationship. I wanted someone who communicated with me, who told me how he felt about things. That was the biggest thing. Michael communicates. A lot. And even better, he listens…he really hears me, feels me, sees me. I didnt have to say things twice, or loud, for him to hear me. He heard it loud and clear even sometimes when I didn’t say it. He really understands my behavior. He often understands me better than I understand myself.
Michael LOVES being alive. He doesn’t want to work on a boat any more than I do. He doesn’t want to be anything like Patrick in that regard. He knows certain things have to be done to keep going, but he doesn’t want a boat to rule his life. In a boatyard, he works 4 or 5 hours and then finds something fun to do for the rest of the day. He takes long lunch breaks, and eats icecream for dessert. He wants to enjoy what life he has left. He wants me to enjoy what I have left of life. This is a tough one for me to accept at times…I’m used to working so intensely…used to working around the clock in a boatyard, taking Patrick’s lead. . But now, I wonder, is working on a boat what we live for? Michael lives for today, and for tomorrow. He makes sure the boat is safe and right. But he doesn’t do jobs 10 times to get the right light to film it for YouTube. I think this is very good for me…a good change…something that I so hugely appreciated in Patrick…but also something I so struggled with at the same time. Working on a boat or seeing my partner work on a boat so intensely, is not what I want for the rest of my life…to be working and working and working. I want to be retired. I want to enjoy the rest of my life, without such huge demands on keeping things perfect. Seaworthy…absolutely. Retaining its value, positively. But cosmetically perfect…no thanks. Right on top of it all the time? No way…I want to enjoy the days I have left, and die with an imperfect boat, but a wonderful last few decades of my life!
When I started seeing the positive things, the positive parts about being with Michael, rather than focusing on the things I didn’t like…my heart felt like it was finally healing. I felt my own desires rather than what Patrick would want, rising to the surface. It felt like a switch went off..a giant circuit breaker…that I was finally choosing what I wanted rather than waiting for what or who Patrick would choose for me. I didn’t have to choose someone just like Patrick to be happy. It wasn’t betraying him to admit that a totally different kind of guy who lacks some of the things I loved most about Patrick, was actually making me very happy. I realized I’d likely have to trade a few good things for a few good things. Would Patrick approve of Michael? Who cares..it’s about what is good for me and the rest of my life. It’s about what’s good for Michael and his future. A giant weight has left me shoulders here in Grenada as I realize that I don’t need Patrick’s approval, nor do I need the same thing now, as I did 17 years ago, or even 5 years ago. I could go for something different this time…Strive for greater happiness…strive for what I need now, not just find a replica of someone who wasn’t perfect anyways. Better in some ways…different. A new chapter, completely different in many ways.
I’m not done mourning… I never will be. Patrick was a great guy and partner for a long time. Michael is so overly accepting of this. He is one of the only guys who said from the beginning that he could never hope to fill PATRICKs shoes, so he won’t try. Patrick could never have dealt with the emotions of a widow…My moods are up and down…one day I’m loving, the next day not so much…It’s a good thing Michael didn’t come first and THEN Patrick.
Michael seems to understand me better than I understand myself. He finds new ways now to deal with my moods, and they actually are working. Instead of feeling like I want to kill him, I feel even more affection and caring for him on the other side of what could be a negative evening or weekend.
It’s been a month now, without fights. I still am telling him how to do things on occasion, and still being bitchy here and there though hopefully now with less intensity and more love. He is handling my transition very well, and somehow turning my bad moods around. He listens, and holds me, and while he doesn’t just sit back and accept my bad behaviors…he DOES handle my bad moods well now, and knows how to turn things around for us. For this I’m greatful. I’m not sure there is another man on earth that would still be here…and I’m not sure there is another man on earth that could handle the darknesses and challenges of my mourning..understand them…draw me out of them… still love me in the end.
I am so grateful that I found Michael. If we last and continue on the beautiful relationship that we certainly have the best of foundations for, it is because of him..his patience, and compassion, caring and self understanding. If we don’t last..it’s my fault, sadly, a byproduct of the trauma of my past year. I am trying every so hard to not let that be the case…
I definitely looked for a relationship way too fast. I’m not sorry I did..there were a lot of things that made it quite necessary…but it hurt another person in the process for which I feel so much remorse for.
But when I look back and think about when I met Michael, and what attracted me to him…my intuition was in overdrive and I was listening to it. Maybe I wasn’t even 50% aware of how right it was. There were even times in the last 6 months that I felt he was really really wrong for me.
But now I can see clearly that he was 100% right for me, for where I was, where I have been in the last year, and where I am right now. It may not be forever…but it’s definitely a perfect Union for both of us, for the foreseeable future. He got me across an ocean. He was always the MVP. He always held it together to make this trip happen. He still had his heart open to me, and still did his best throughout all the curve balls I threw him. What incredible strength.
I have always thought way too much about the future. Michael keeps me in the present so so well. The past is the past and neither one of us are too hung up on the past. But I am way too hung up on the future.
Here in Grenada, and hopefully for the foreseeable (short term) future…I will be living in the present. I will be enjoying today. I will be loving Michael as best, and totally and completely as I possibly can, today. I will be enjoying my day today. I will be more spontaneous and not be so goal oriented. I will use my time in Grenada to relax and enjoy each day as they come.
I don’t know where I will be, or where we will be in 6 months. But for today I will enjoy life more, relax more, and put a lot of effort in to loving Michael today. And tomorrow. I will dance more, communicate more, kiss more, sing more, and relax more, and sail slower. Sounds like a great retirement to me, for both of us!
A Widow’s Rant…
Farewell Patrick Childress – Sail in Peace my best friend…
